Once you are fat and motionless we are finally going to be together forever.

Step one: buy your son a car. Step two: force him to drive around with those stickers on the back. He'll drive safely guaranteed.

The curtain fell off so I needed something to hold it with. I found a branch nearby so I guess it looks better now, doesn't it?

Congratulations for being dumb enough to star in your own horror movie.

Girls may have taken this growth a step too far this time.

Why bother to please everybody when you can piss off everybody?

Under no circumstances are you to enter the swimming pool dressed.

Google is obsolete since I got married. All I need to do is have an opinion about something.

Yeah, but with so many contaminates you aren't going to get more than 85% purity.

Facebook needs to update its statuses to better reflect the world post GTA V release.