Why bother to please everybody when you can piss off everybody?

Under no circumstances are you to enter the swimming pool dressed.

Google is obsolete since I got married. All I need to do is have an opinion about something.

Yeah, but with so many contaminates you aren't going to get more than 85% purity.

Facebook needs to update its statuses to better reflect the world post GTA V release.

You seem to have noticed that your mom fell off my bike.

You might also test your relationship this way.

No use having to make the same trip twice. Got to carry everything at once.

These chips are so full of air that I can inflate a whole tire with it.

Really? Then why should I buy your product?