I'm as bad as it gets so I will certainly be the one you like.

I'm never throwing away these empty bottles. Having some spare dirt in your back yard? Why not put it to good use?

Keep yourselves sober and not mashed. I only like mashed potatoes.

So the gyms are closed, but I can still get my workout while having the best beverage out there. Win-win!

I slapped your face while I was drunk, but here's some tasty bacon so you'll forgive my manners.

I keep drinking but this Moderation guy still hasn't shown up. How am I supposed to drink with him this way?

He didn't forget it. It's just extra crispy, the way he likes it.

There is a slight difference between being a drunk and being an alcoholic. Being a drunk is way more fun.

Got to get my girlfriend one of these dresses. She will be the life of any party.

I guess there really was a support group tailored to my needs.